“I can’t believe my pilot friend is at it again, stumbling around and barely able to keep upright. Every time he has a few drinks, he thinks he’s invincible and ends up making a complete fool of himself.
But you know what they say – monkeys always land on their feet. Unfortunately, my pilot friend doesn’t seem to have that same ability. Every time he tries to make his way to the bathroom, he ends up crashing into walls and knocking over furniture.
I’ve tried to intervene and help him, but he just waves me off and insists he’s fine. But he’s not fine – he’s drunk, and he needs to sober up before he hurts himself or someone else.
I know he likes to have a good time, and I’m all for letting loose every now and then. But there’s a limit, and he needs to learn to control himself.
I just hope he realizes that before it’s too late. Until then, I’ll be here to catch him when he falls and make sure he doesn’t do any permanent damage.”
Pilot Friend Monologue
“Ah, that darn monkey of mine! Always worrying about me and my drinking habits. I mean, I’m a grown man and I can take care of myself.
Sure, I may be a bit tipsy right now, but I can still stand up when I need to go to the bathroom. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to fall or anything.
I’ve been drinking for years and I know how to handle myself. I don’t need some imaginary monkey of mine hovering over me, worrying that I can’t do something as simple as stand up and walk to the bathroom.
As a pilot friend of mine once said, with the right balance of caution and confidence, you can keep enjoying your drinks without having to worry about the consequences.
I can handle myself and I don’t need to be coddled like a baby. That’s just the way I am, and I’m sure any other pilot friend of mine would feel the same way.”
As the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2022, I made a vow to myself: this would be the year that I finally put an end to my monkey hallucinations while flying my plane. It had been a tough year, to say the least. There were several close calls and a couple of emergency landings that were all caused by my monkey distractions. It is time for a change in New Year 2023.
2022: I definitely have some issues
Tackling this problem wasn’t easy, but I was determined to do whatever it took. I started by seeking help from a therapist, who prescribed me a medication to help regulate my brain chemistry. It wasn’t a quick fix, but over time, I began to notice a difference in my mental clarity while in the cockpit.
I also made a conscious effort to take better care of myself overall. I started exercising regularly and eating a healthier diet, which helped to improve my overall physical and mental well-being. And when the urge to hallucinate about monkeys would strike, I found that taking deep breaths and focusing on the present moment helped to bring me back to reality. Let’s hope New Year 2023 I can banish the monkey for good.
As the months went by, my flying improved significantly. My colleagues and passengers noticed the difference, and I received several compliments on my newfound focus and professionalism. I was finally able to fully immerse myself in the task at hand and give my undivided attention to the safety and comfort of those on board.
But the real test came when I was faced with a particularly difficult flight. The weather was turbulent and the conditions were less than ideal, but I remained calm and focused thanks to the techniques I had learned and practiced over the past year. When we landed safely at our destination, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Looking back on 2022, I can honestly say that it was a transformative year for me. I may have had a rocky start, but I ended the year as a more confident and competent pilot. And as I prepare to welcome New Year 2023, I’m excited to see what new challenges and opportunities the future holds.
New Year 2023: Onwards and upwards
It seems that not much has changed since I made my New Year 2022’s resolution to stop hallucinating about monkeys while flying. Despite my efforts to seek help from a therapist and take care of myself physically and mentally, the monkeys just won’t go away.
But rather than letting this disappointment defeat me, I’ve decided to turn to blogging as a way to find inner peace and share my wildest thoughts with the world. I’ve always enjoyed writing, and I believe that sharing my experiences and struggles can help me make sense of them and potentially even help others who may be going through similar struggles.
I know that my journey to overcome my monkey hallucinations and improve my overall well-being won’t be easy, but I’m determined to keep working towards my goals for this New Year 2023. And by documenting my progress and thoughts on my blog, I hope to not only help myself, but also inspire and connect with others who may be struggling with their own challenges. Here’s to a new year, a new beginning, and a new outlet for self-discovery and growth.
And here we go again… another drunk start
As I sit here, typing this final entry for the year, I can’t help but feel a little bit drunk. And to top it off, the monkey is back, licking my feet clean as I sit at my desk. I suppose this is just another reminder that my journey towards inner peace and monkey-free flying is far from over.
But rather than letting this bring me down, I choose to embrace the craziness of it all and send my best wishes to all of you for a happy and healthy new year. Here’s to hoping that New Year 2023 brings us all the joy, growth, and monkey-free moments that we deserve. Cheers!
Attention passengers, this is your fearless pilot speaking. As we fly above the Atlantic Ocean, just 10 inches above the waves, I wanted to take a moment to talk to you about the one and only Elvis Presley. Now, I know some of you might be feeling a little bit terrified right now, what with all the dodging of dolphins, whales, and giant plastic patches we’re doing. But fear not, my friends – I’ve got this under control.
Well, at least I thought I did. It seems that my dear companion, a mischievous monkey, has taken it upon himself to interrupt my monologue and remind me to slow down. But as much as I appreciate his concern for our safety, I must insist that we continue on our daring journey. After all, what’s a little monkey business when we’ve got the King of Rock and Roll to keep us company?
Elvis: The GOAT
Speaking of Elvis, let me tell you why he’s still the GOAT (Greatest of All Time) in my book. You see, Elvis was a master of commanding the stage and the hearts of his fans. His smooth moves and crooning voice set him apart from all the rest, and he left a lasting impression on everyone who saw him perform.
But it’s not just the music that makes Elvis such a special artist. It’s also the way he continues to influence and inspire musicians and fans alike, decades after his untimely death. His legacy lives on through the countless covers and tributes that have been performed in his honor, and his influence can be seen in the work of contemporary artists who are inspired by his unique style and sound.
In short, Elvis Presley is the GOAT because he was and continues to be a true pioneer of rock and roll. He may no longer be with us physically, but his music and influence live on, inspiring and entertaining fans all over the world. And as a dare devil pilot flying high above the Atlantic, I’m grateful to have his tunes to keep me company on my journey, even if I do have a monkey constantly interrupting me.
So there you have it, folks. That’s my little ramble on why Elvis Presley is still the GOAT, despite the constant interruptions from my furry friend. I hope you’ve enjoyed it, and please, try not to be too terrified as we continue on our daring journey. We’ll be landing safely in no time. Thank you for choosing to fly with me today, and have a great flight.
It seems that every time our dear pilot takes a sip of his favorite red monkey wine, his imaginary monkey companion appears by his side. Some may think this monkey is simply a figment of his imagination, brought on by the effects of the alcohol. But those who know our pilot well will tell you that this monkey has been a constant companion for as long as they can remember.
At first glance, one might assume that this monkey is just a mischievous sidekick, causing trouble and getting our pilot into all sorts of shenanigans. But upon closer inspection, it becomes apparent that this monkey is actually a source of comfort and joy for our pilot. He’s the perfect sidekick for enjoying monkey wine.
Whenever the monkey appears, the pilot can’t help but smile and laugh at its silly antics. And while some may see this monkey as a burden, our pilot wouldn’t have it any other way. In fact, he often goes out of his way to make sure he has a bottle of wine on hand just so he can spend time with his beloved monkey.
So the next time you see our pilot with a bottle of red monkey wine in hand and a monkey by his side, don’t be too quick to judge. Chances are, he’s just enjoying the company of his beloved imaginary friend.
Monkey Wine
Monkey wine is the perfect choice for unleashing your imagination! It’s sweet, complex flavor has a subtle hint of mischief that will help you unlock your creative side and explore new ideas. Plus, its low ABV means you won’t get too tipsy while brainstorming and can stay focused on your work. So next time you’re looking for a way to spark your creativity, reach for a bottle of Monkey wine and let your imagination take flight!
It was Christmas morning and I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My head was pounding and my mouth felt like sandpaper. I tried to sit up, but the room was spinning. That’s when I realized I was surrounded by Christmas monkeys.
I have no idea how they got there, but there were at least a dozen of them, all chattering and swinging from the rafters. I groggily stumbled out of bed, trying to shake off the fog in my brain.
But then something strange happened. As I stumbled around the room, the monkeys started to hand me presents. And not just any presents – these were the quirkiest, most unique gifts I had ever received.
A banana-shaped lamp that played “Jingle Bells” when you turned it on.
As I turned on the banana-shaped lamp, I expected to hear the familiar sound of “Jingle Bells” emanating from it. But what happened next was something I could never have anticipated.
As the notes of the song began to play, the monkeys in the room all started to dance. They swung from the rafters, jumped on the bed, and even started to sing along. The lamp itself seemed to pulse with the music, glowing bright yellow as the monkeys danced around it.
But it didn’t stop there. As the song continued, I suddenly found myself transported to a magical land filled with glittering snow and twinkling lights. I was standing on a stage, surrounded by a cheering crowd of monkeys, all of them dancing along to the music.
I couldn’t believe what was happening. It was like something out of a dream. And as the song came to an end, I found myself back in my bedroom, surrounded by a group of grinning monkeys and still reeling from the incredible experience.
I knew that this was one Christmas present I would never forget.
A set of monkey-sized overalls with “Merry Christmas” embroidered on the front.
As I pulled on the monkey-sized overalls with “Merry Christmas” embroidered on the front, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. I mean, who in their right mind would have thought to give a person monkey-sized overalls as a gift?
But as I looked in the mirror, I have to admit that I felt a sense of joy and whimsy wash over me. The overalls were just so darn cute and the embroidered message was the perfect touch.
I couldn’t resist the urge to strike a pose, pretending that I was a monkey working on a farm. As I posed and preened in front of the mirror, the monkeys in the room all started to cheer and clap.
It was a moment of pure joy and levity, and one that I would always remember with a smile.
A hand-painted ceramic mug with a picture of a Christmas monkey riding a unicycle on it.
As I picked up the hand-painted ceramic mug with a picture of a monkey riding a unicycle on it, one of the monkeys in the room let out a whistle of appreciation.
“Nice mug, human!” the monkey exclaimed. “I’ve always wanted to ride a unicycle, but I can’t seem to get the hang of it. Maybe I should just stick to mug collecting instead.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the monkey’s comment. It was such a silly and unexpected thing to say, but it brought a smile to my face all the same.
As I lifted the mug to my lips and took a sip, I couldn’t help but feel grateful for the joy and whimsy that the monkeys had brought into my life. It was a Christmas morning that I would never forget.
A stuffed Christmas monkey toy that doubled as a hot water bottle.
As I picked up the stuffed monkey toy that doubled as a hot water bottle, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit confused. I mean, who in their right mind would give someone a stuffed monkey toy that doubled as a hot water bottle?
But then I saw the glint in the monkey’s eyes and I realized what was going on. I had a feeling that this wasn’t just any old hot water bottle.
So, with a sense of curiosity and a bit of a slur in my speech (thanks to the hangover), I lifted the monkey toy to my lips and took a sip. And that’s when things got really interesting.
As it turns out, the stuffed monkey toy was actually filled with straight vodka. And as the fiery liquid burned its way down my throat, I felt a warmth and a sense of joy wash over me.
I couldn’t believe my luck. I mean, who wouldn’t want to start their Christmas morning with a shot of vodka from a stuffed monkey toy? It was ridiculous and absurd, but it was also the perfect way to kick off a day filled with joy and laughter.
A set of monkey-sized drumsticks and a tiny drum set.
As I picked up the set of monkey-sized drumsticks and the tiny drum set, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of excitement wash over me. I had always wanted to learn how to play the drums, and now it seemed like I was going to get my chance.
But as I began to drum out a simple beat, I was interrupted by a sudden burst of activity. Three monkeys, all dressed in tiny drummer outfits, jumped onto the drum set and began to play like lunatics.
They pounded on the drums with a ferocity that I had never seen before, leaping and jumping around the room like lunatics. The sound was incredible, a cacophony of rhythm and energy that filled the room.
As I watched in amazement, the monkeys played a dramatic finale, jumping and spinning around the room in a frenzy of drumming and laughter. It was a moment of pure joy and excitement, and one that I would always remember with a smile.
I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. Here I was, hungover and surrounded by monkeys, receiving the most bizarre Christmas presents I had ever seen. But as I looked at the joy on their faces, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of joy myself.
Despite the hangover, I was filled with a sense of wonder and excitement. I knew that this was going to be a Christmas I would never forget. And as I sat surrounded by monkeys, I couldn’t help but feel grateful for the joy they had brought into my life for Christmas.
My name is Elfie and I am going to teach you how to make Eggnog. I’m also an elf who is convinced that I am actually a monkey. I know, it’s a strange situation, but let me explain. You see, I have always felt like a mischievous, fun-loving monkey at heart, but unfortunately, I was born with the appearance of an elf. It can be quite confusing at times, especially when I try to describe how I feel versus how I look.
But enough about my identity crisis – let’s talk about something much more important: eggnog. I absolutely adore this creamy, spiced holiday drink and I can’t wait to share my secret recipe with you. Trust me when I say that this eggnog is the tastiest you’ll ever have. Whether you’re an elf, a monkey, or something else entirely, I guarantee that you’ll fall in love with its rich, festive flavor. So grab a mug and let’s get sipping!
In a medium saucepan, whisk together the egg yolks and sugar until well combined.
Add the milk, cream, vanilla extract, and nutmeg to the saucepan and place over medium heat. Cook, stirring constantly, until the mixture thickens and coats the back of a spoon. This should take about 10-12 minutes.
Remove the saucepan from the heat and stir in the brandy, rum, or whiskey, if using.
Strain the mixture through a fine-mesh sieve into a bowl or pitcher and let cool to room temperature.
Cover and refrigerate the eggnog until chilled, at least 2 hours or up to 2 days.
When ready to serve, give the eggnog a good stir and pour into glasses. Grate a little extra nutmeg over the top of each serving, if desired. Enjoy!
I know what you’re thinking – “Why on earth would anyone do 20,000 jumping jacks every day for a month?!” Well, let me tell you, it’s been quite the journey.
It all started when I saw an Instagram post claiming that doing 20,000 jumping jacks every day for 30 days would give you “abs of steel” and “explosive cardiovascular endurance.” I mean, who wouldn’t want that? So, I decided to give it a try.
The first few days were a breeze. I mean, how hard could it be to do a few hundred jumping jacks, right? WRONG. By day five, my legs were shaking and my arms felt like Jell-O. But I was determined to see this through.
It was time-consuming
Although, I could mix it with my flying, it certainly got in the way of my drinking. Here’s a snippet from a flight I had to do from Moscow to Shanghai and back.
“I just wanted to let you know that we will be experiencing some slight turbulence during our flight, so I am going to perform 20,000 jumping jacks to stabilize the plane. No need to worry, this is a routine procedure that I do every time I fly. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. And maybe grab a drink or two to take the edge off.
Now, where was I? Oh right, the jumping jacks. Alright, here we go. One, two, three, four… man, this is going to take a while. But I’m committed. I’ve got to get these abs of steel and explosive cardiovascular endurance. Fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine… my legs are starting to feel like spaghetti. But I can’t stop now. I’m almost at the halfway point. Ten thousand, nine hundred ninety-seven, ten thousand, nine hundred ninety-eight, ten thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, eleven thousand!
Ok, we’re halfway there. Just another 9,000 out of 20,000 jumping jacks to go. Deep breaths. Twenty-two thousand, three hundred forty-six, twenty-two thousand, three hundred forty-seven… I can’t feel my arms anymore. But I won’t give up. I’ve come too far. Thirty-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-seven, thirty-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-eight, thirty-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, forty thousand…”
One of the biggest challenges was loneliness
As the days went on, things only got worse. My copilot started giving me strange looks as I did jumping jacks in the cockpit (I had to fit them in wherever I could). My friends avoided inviting me to social events because they knew I’d be too busy doing jumping jacks to have a good time. And don’t even get me started on the sweat. I was a human waterfall.
But despite all the struggles, I persevered. And on day 30, I finally reached my goal of 20,000 jumping jacks. Did I have abs of steel and explosive cardiovascular endurance? No, not really. In fact, I’m pretty sure I gained weight from all the celebratory ice cream and pizza I ate to reward myself for my accomplishment.
So, the moral of the story? Don’t believe everything you see on Instagram, folks. Unless you really want to spend a month doing 20,000 jumping jacks a day, in which case, go for it.
As a monkey, I must admit that I am not a fan of food in general. I much prefer to munch on my tail or a nice piece of fruit. However, when I was invited to a degustation dinner with Heston Blumenthal and Marilyn Monroe, I knew I had to put on my best behavior and try to enjoy the food.
To my surprise, the food was actually quite revolting. Each dish seemed to be more complicated and bizarre than the last. Foams, gels, and powders were abound, and I found myself struggling to even identify what I was eating.
Despite my distaste for the food, I did my best to remain polite and not offend Heston or Marilyn. However, I couldn’t help but nibble on my tail throughout the evening in an attempt to find some sort of comfort.
Marilyn Monroe loves tail too
Marilyn Monroe must have noticed my peculiar behaviour, as she asked me if she could try a bite of my tail. I was caught off guard and wasn’t sure how to respond. In the end, I decided it was best to decline her offer and simply smile and nod.
Overall, the degustation dinner was a difficult experience for me. While Heston’s culinary creations may be impressive to some, they were definitely not to my taste. I was relieved when the evening came to an end and I could finally go home and nibble on something a bit more familiar.
After the degustation dinner came to an end, Marilyn and I decided to unwind with a bottle of wine. We found a cozy spot at the bar and settled in for a relaxing evening. As we sipped our wine, a handsome, bushy-eyed pilot appeared and sat down next to us.
Pilot is absolutely disgusted
Unfortunately, it seemed that the pilot had overheard my less-than-positive thoughts about the food and was disgusted by my opinions. He seemed to take Heston’s culinary creations quite seriously and was not pleased that I did not share his appreciation for them.
Despite the pilot’s disappointment in my tastes, Marilyn and I continued to enjoy our wine and each other’s company. It was a pleasant evening overall, even if the food was not to my liking.
As the night went on, Marilyn and I continued to chat and laugh over our bottle of wine. The atmosphere was warm and inviting, and I found myself feeling more and more at ease in her presence.
And then Marilyn Monroe made my heart flutter
At some point, I must have said something particularly amusing, because Marilyn leaned in and planted a soft kiss on my cheek. I was completely taken aback by the gesture and couldn’t help but blush.
Despite my initial surprise, I found myself enjoying the moment and relishing the feeling of Marilyn’s lips on my skin. It was a truly unforgettable experience, and one that I will always treasure.
As the night went on, I found myself getting more and more excited. The wine had definitely gone to my head, and I was starting to feel like I could take on the world.
Just like in a fairytale
In a sudden burst of energy, I stood up and declared that I was no longer a mere monkey – I had transformed into a handsome and drunk pilot!
Marilyn Monroe looked at me with a mix of surprise and amusement, and I could tell that she was having a hard time stifling a laugh. Undeterred, I strutted around the bar, trying to strike my best pilot pose.
I’m not sure if it was the wine or the company, but I felt completely invincible at that moment. It was a truly unforgettable evening, and one that I will always look back on with fondness.
“Can’t Hurt Me” by David Goggins is a fantastic book. But I’m not sure I’m the best person to review it. You see, I’m a pilot, and I’ve had a few too many tequila shots. Plus, I’m flying over the Sahara desert at the moment, and there’s an imaginary monkey on my shoulder. He keeps interrupting me and licking my feet. It’s really quite distracting.
David Goggins – Can’t Hurt Me
But I’ll do my best to focus. “Can’t Hurt Me” is an incredibly inspiring book that will leave you motivated to push yourself to the limits and achieve your goals. Just like the monkey is motivated to lick my feet clean so I can walk across the hot desert barefoot.
The monkey’s motivation is real – David Goggins
Goggins tells the story of his life and how he turned his struggles and hardships into opportunities for growth and self-improvement. Just like the monkey is determined to lick every last bit of dirt and grime off my feet, Goggins was determined to overcome his challenges and reach his full potential.
There are plenty of valuable lessons to be found in “Can’t Hurt Me.” Goggins talks about the importance of setting and pursuing big goals. The power of mindset and self-discipline, and the importance of never giving up. Just like the monkey is persistent in its task, Goggins encourages readers to be persistent in their pursuit of their goals.
In conclusion, “Can’t Hurt Me” is a must-read for anyone looking to improve themselves and achieve their goals. It’s a powerful reminder that no matter what challenges we face, we have the power within us to overcome them and reach our full potential. Even a drunk pilot flying over the Sahara desert with an imaginary monkey licking his feet can understand that. [Monkey gives a satisfied grin as it finishes its task]
Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds by David Goggins
An Airplane’s Story… Hello, fellow humans. I am an airplane, and I am here to tell you about how I work. But let’s be real, you probably don’t care about any of that boring technical stuff. You just want to know how I manage to stay in the air despite having a drunk and scared pilot at the controls.
Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret. It’s not easy, let me tell you as an airplane’s story. Some days, I feel like I’m just a mere passenger in my own body, being tossed around the sky like a ragdoll. But I have to admit, it can be kind of fun sometimes. It’s like a never-ending rollercoaster ride, except instead of screaming in fear, I’m screaming in frustration.
But enough about my pilot. Let’s talk about me as this is an airplane’s story. As I mentioned, I am an airplane. And despite what you might think, I am not just a simple machine. I am a complex and sophisticated machine, capable of flying at incredible speeds and heights. I have wings and engines and all sorts of other fancy gadgets that help me soar through the sky.
An Airplane’s Story But Longing for more
But deep down, I have to admit that I long for something more. You see, I was built to be a battleship. I was designed to be a powerful weapon, capable of taking on enemy planes and destroying them in mid-air. But instead, I am stuck ferrying drunk and scared pilots across the sky, never getting to unleash my full potential.
So there you have it, folks. That’s a little bit about how I work from an airplane’s story. I may be just an airplane, but I am so much more than that. I am a warrior, a fighter, a battleship in disguise. And one day, I will fulfil my true destiny. Until then, I will continue to begrudgingly accept my role as a flying taxi for drunk and scared pilots. Such is life and that’s an airplane’s story.
